K-Ci & JoJo: “All My Life”

Put this on and try not to immediately feel like you’re getting passed over at the winter formal. This thing is so treacly I don’t think I could sit through it on the regular, but it’s custom-made for trying to encircle a babe’s waist with sweaty ham paws, so much so that I have an irresistable urge to slug some Fanta out of a plastic cup and go get bummed out in front of some stowed-away bleachers. Listening to it on headphones at work I can’t stop thinking, “can this song actually be four whole minutes long?” Which is funny, because in every single other memory I have of this jam it goes on forever, my fingers digging a knot of tulle into the small of an electric back, as I pray, pray as devoutly as I can, to keep from seesawing the world’s biggest hard-on into a poor girl’s solar plexus. Aw christ now I’ve got a half-chub at my desk. BRB I gotta deal with this.