Days of the New: “Touch, Peel & Stand”

click, click, click…. OHHHHHHH!

For real, guys. There was a moment in time after I heard this song when I believed in my heart that it was possible to rock while playing acoustic guitars. Of course, we all know now that this is a complete lie, and people have been put to death for much less offensive heresy. I mean, seriously… just listen to how quickly this song dies during the guitar solo. Even the bass player gets bored.

These guys wanted to be Soundgarden so badly, it makes me blush just thinking about it. What’s worse, I think these guys were indirectly responsible for one of the greatest offenses to modern rock in the last decade:

(The following is a dramatization)

Scott Stapp, future lead singer of Creed and owner of a mega-Messiah complex, hair short, gets home from his job at a 24-hour juice bar. He grabs a can of Diet Coke from the fridge and sits down on the beat up couch in his living room. His roommate is having loud sex in the other room. The moans and sounds of slapping skin make Scott uncomfortable as he shifts in his seat and turns on “120 Minutes.”

Days of the New’s video for “Touch, Peel & Stand” comes on. Scott sits more upright in his seat, eyes opened wide. His jaw lowers slightly as he comes to a rather potent and dangerous realization. He reaches for the phone and calls his friend Mark Tremonti, future guitar player for Creed.

“Mark… we need to start a band.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I’ve got it figured out. Turn it on MTV right fucking now!”

Marks turns on his television.

“What the hell is this crap?”
“It’s Days of the New. They suck, but listen… just listen and look at those guys. If we only plug in your guitar, and I let my hair grow out like these guys, then we can make a million dollars, and I’ll buy some leather pants and take my shirt off, and nobody will know who you are, and everyone will hate me, and I can later be in a homemade porn video with Kid Rock. It’ll be great!!!”
“YES, MY SOUL IS CHEAP. PLEASE LET ME SELL IT!”

FIN.